Grace Likes Rain

This morning I found myself Googling “pre-partum depression.” Is there such a thing? Because some days—days like today—I think I’ve got it. My thoughts are largely negative and admittedly irrational—BUT I DON’T CARE! My nerves feel like I’m wearing them on the wrong side of my skin. Little things are bothering me much more than they should…things like cars that drive by my house—and don’t get me started about motorcycles!!!

Normally, I love living in the village. I relish the comings and goings of all manner of people. But today I want to shut out the village and the whole world. Go away! Stop making noise! Leave me alone!

I take a deep breath. I try to pray. I muster a meager plea: “Help…”

The words of a century-old hymn interrupt my glum stupor:

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

I try it:

I’m grateful for the new life growing inside me.

I’m grateful that my children woke up this morning in good health and got themselves ready for school with minimal assistance. (Nevermind that one of them was not very nice to me in the process.)

I’m grateful that my husband is such a diligent worker. I’m also grateful that he thought to empty the dehumidifier in basement before he left the house (because, like so many other things, I cannot lift the full water bin out of the machine).

A garbage truck rumbles by. Instead of appreciating the blessing of curb-side pick-up, I bristle at the racket.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

WHY does that tune have to be so…so…perky?! Clearly, it is not meant for people in my state of mind. It is a theoretical song meant to be sung while one is feeling fairly good, then applied when one is feeling really wretched. Like me. Like now.

Nature interrupts with a sound infinitely more soothing than a diesel engine…

Ah, yesssss! Here comes the rain! Thank You, God, for the rain! It mirrors my mood and somehow validates my madness…or extinguishes its flames.

Is it madness? Or just a bad mood? I don’t know. Self-analysis can be so complicated! “The unexamined life is not worth living.” So said Socrates. But the overly examined one will drive you nuts! So ponder, consider, think…but not too hard. You might hurt yourself in the process.

I’m going to revel in the rain today. My soul is thirsty.

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

(From “Grace Like Rain,” by Todd Agnew)