My Father’s Phraseology

My good friend Jean, who grew up next door to me and who I think of quite like a sister, suggested I dedicate an entry to some of my dad’s famous quotes. Since today is Father’s Day, I’ll give it a go (although I doubt I’ll be able to exhaust the repertoire—additions, corrections and clarifications are welcome in the comment section). Also, I’ll do my best to provide explanations where necessary—and they almost always are! Here goes . . .

“How quickly we become bored.” This originated in the A-Town junior high band room where Dad worked for 32 years. Students would frequently drop their instruments during rehearsals or even concerts. This frustrated Dad, who believed it wasn’t too much to ask of kids to sit and hold their instruments while waiting for their turn to play. Nowadays, this quote often gets boiled down to “How quickly . . .” and is applicable whenever anyone drops something out of boredom, distraction or lack of concentration.

“80% of life is showing up. The other 20% involves looking for a bathroom or a pencil.” I’ve mentioned the 80% quotation before. It’s applicable whenever I “show up” for a local 5k and win my age group, even though I’m not every fast. If faster runners my age don’t “show up,” I win! I believe this quote is a Woody Allen adaptation. The comedian came up with the first part; the 20% is Dad’s addition.

“Life is not easy, and it’s also not fair.” So don’t expect it to be! (No further interpretation needed.)

“…somewhat in shambles…” Refers to a messy household, based on something my brother said about 25 years ago. Dad had gone to his hometown in Michigan for a couple weeks one summer, leaving the rest of us to manage the affairs of everyday life. The problem was, Dad quietly performed so many household tasks without us realizing it (vacuuming, laundry, lawn-mowing, taking out trash) that when he returned to our homestead, Keith looked around and acknowledged: “Things are somewhat in shambles since you’ve been gone.”

“Your reward is not on this earth.” Often shortened to “not on this earth” or even just “Judge Punch.” This refers to acts of service or participation in events that are not necessarily pleasant, but often obligatory, such as attending a Little League game (cute for about 5 minutes—thereafter rather dull) or helping someone move from one home to another (especially someone not well-known to the helper). Even though Dad likens these good deeds to court-ordered community service, he actually performs them frequently and willingly—not because he has to, but because he is genuinely kind and generous.

“Pandemonium!” Refers to noise and activity beyond what is manageable and civil. Toward the end of Dad’s teaching career (he retired 13 years ago), my sister and brother-in-law went to one of his concerts. Since the band was last on the program, they sought him out backstage and found him in a second-floor classroom with his sizeable group of adolescent instrumentalists making a non-musical racket. Kaye and Paul caught dad’s eye and as he escaped into the hall to greet them, he deemed the situation, “Pandemonium!” A dozen-plus years later, the term comes in useful when describing get-togethers involving all 8 of his grandchildren.

“Surly to bed, surly to rise . . .” Dad used to say this about himself as a reluctant music teacher who was also not a morning person. Difficult combination when he had to be at school by 7:30 a.m. daily . . . with a van-full of kids—his own, plus neighbors! Looking back, I can laugh—but I remember many tense moments waiting for stragglers to make their way to the B-mobile.

“Driving is the most dangerous thing you’ll ever do.” Statistically true, and something he reiterated often when we were teenagers. In the wintertime, he tacked on: “Two Words—Go Slow!”

“Script it!” This means that many things in life are predictable. If life were a movie script, you could anticipate This or That happening. I look to my left and see an example in my living room right now: There’s a plastic tumbler half-filled with orange juice (likely leftover from breakfast), perched precariously near the edge of the coffee table. Two of the kids are coloring at that same small, round table. Is the orange juice likely to get tipped over? Yes—“Script it!” Conversely, if something surprising or undesirable occurs: “That wasn’t in the script!”

“Is there a cure for that?” Something Dad says to unwitting customers at the grocery store where he works (his part-time retirement job). Someone might ask where to find the marjoram or an avocado—anything with multiple syllables that might be slightly unusual . . . non-everyday items. A variation of this off-beat humor is that sometimes, when customers ask for multi-syllabic grocery items, he’ll direct them to the in-store pharmacy. Only a very few customers ‘get’ it.

“Good help is hard to find.” Applicable whenever Dad receives poor customer service, or when something recently purchased breaks. Often reduced to: “Good help…” We know what he means.

Several members of my family contributed even more quotations to expound upon in this entry—including:

• “Ohhh…he can’t see!”
• “How did you know that?!”
• “Lean Machine”
• “She went for a long walk the other day.”
• “I wish I could walk that good.”
• “9 Hours”

. . . but I’ve already become too long-winded for the World Wide Web. And translation can be tiring!

I’ll save the band jokes for another entry. Suffice it to say, I’m grateful for the sense of humor I’ve inherited, as well as the life lessons wrapped up in Dad’s sayings. “Many a truth is spoken in jest” . . . or in code!